Being Heard - My Voice 9

Dated: March 2, 2018 @ 12:00am est

Well Hello all, It has taken me nearly 2 years to find the inspiration, to 1 write once more, 2 to find the time to do so.

Well, Here I am it is a officially the 2nd day of the Month of March in the year 2018, I have spent a great deal of my time however, not so pleasant for the most part; grieving the most terrible lose of my father. A great man through everything; we put one another through over the years. No matter what troubles I caused he is still my father, and he has always loved me; the same.

It has taken me this long to come back to blogging, for many other reasons, too.

For one I spent an entire 3 months about 12 weeks of my life, going back to school. That's right. I went back to school, to become a Certified Nursing Assistant. And would you believe it that I passed my final with an 89. Honestly, I am still in shock. I proved to my dad and to myself, that things are possible; if you put your mind to it.

Well, I have been certified for about 2 months, now. And I am currently holding down 2 jobs one as a full-time Home Care caregiver and well, yes I am still at my part-time job over at Lowe's.

I hate to be the bearing of bad news, but I must take a break for a bit. It has been a half hour and well, I truly must be getting some sleep; Jason and I have an early and long day tomorrow. Can you say Tax Paying and DMV; FUNNNNN?

Good Night, all! Be back soon!

It is now, the 3rd day of March in the year 2018. It is currently 10:49 pm.

And well, I must say that after a long depressing and then cheerful and, always stressful day. I have had decisions that I most definitely would never want to experience again.

I have found out that the Home Care Job I am currently holding down is, not full-time; but it is however per diem. At first, I was indeed a little disappointed and mislead, but after some quick thinking and realization, I decided that there is actually an amazing positive to me not working 2 jobs all the time; see Jason and I have been trying so very hard to get our ass back down to the gym, to help lose some serious weight and well, I think I may have just found my inspiration.

Besides the fact, recently I photographed with a group of my co-workers on Facebook, and well. In the back you see me and well, although looking very smiley in the photo, when I finally saw the photo my jaw dropped TO THE FLOOR. And well, I look insanely huge. I look like a mountain, I am still disgusted with my appearance.

I don't have much confidence in myself, right now. As I feel that I could look a little better; weight wise.

See there. I am the one in the back. Looking like a mountain. And I am honestly horrified by my appearance. I always had issues with my weight. And I still, do. I just wish: I could find that one thing that could get me to lose weight, gain some proper muscle and well, make me feel good about myself to keep it off.

I hate posting photos of my body, because I am always so embarrassed about my looks. And this is why I don't do group photos, either. However, I do take photos, but mainly of my face, because well 9 out of 10 selfies are actually pretty damn good.

 
See... Not too bad.

So, if I keep these 2 jobs, especially Lowe's, I want to go back to the gym and really commit to working out, definitely when I am available in the MORNINGS. Otherwise, number #1 why bother having a membership, right?

Honestly, I haven't felt this depressed or confused, but trying to find positives in years, and I don't just mean since my father's passing. I mean Y.....E.......A....SSSSSSS! And I finally feel like I have the right inspiration to keep it going, hopefully.

Hopefully, by the next year or so we will start to see of this change, that I have been waiting and looking for.

As for right now, fingers crossed; everyone. And now let's pray.

Dear Lord our heavenly father,

You have played us once again, yet father. I am not broken, in fact I still stand ready to take on your next challenge.

Hear me oh Lord, for I have sinned. I have taken for granted everything you have given me. I have sinned and I know that all is forgiven. Yet, Lord. I see you have thrown another curve ball.

For you oh Lord, I will not strike out this time. For you oh Lord. I will hit that curve ball. I will then Run Home and I will find you, Oh Lord.

You have not stopped me, yet. I am still here and I will one day, be with you.

Amen

I know he is there, I know he throws every curve ball. I know he will one day give me, the spot light. I will never know when it will happen, but one day. There will be a spot light.

It will happen...
To me... and to you.

We all have that spot light. It is on a timer and well. It is set to a particular event that will happen in your life as well as in my own.

And we don't know when and we don't know where, but we do know it's there, and we can never give up on the hope that one day it will come and it will show us the way.

All I can say now; is god bless you all. Have a wonderful night. And I hope to be back with updates on life changes, or events, or weight; soon.

Almost Midnight. Time for bed.

Being Heard - My Voice 8

So, it has come to my attention that I am indeed not perfect. It has been a whole year that my fiancé Jason and I have not slept in the same bed. It may sound strange of all things, but the reason behind us not sleeping together is due to Jason's Snoring. No matter if I fall asleep first or he does, the moment he begins snoring even the slightest bit loud, I bug him, tap him and wake him, and tell him he is snoring. I get upset start crying because I feel bad that I am waking him continuously.

How am I or him supposed to get any sleep, if one I keep waking him or he keeps waking me?

We have tried different sides of the bed. We have tried different positions like one on their left side and the other on their right, but nevertheless he snores and I wake and then he is woken. I have tried settling my breathing to his. He has tried everything I can think of and still snores loud.

So, here is what is going to happen, although I have a good feeling already that he has figured out what one of his Christmas Presents is as feeling absolutely desperate, I may have hinted twice tonight alone that he can have one of his gifts early. Well, if you haven't figured it out, yet. You won't know until Christmas Day or The Day After as Jason has chosen not to open it.

So, yes we sleep in separate rooms tonight. And yes, I have a headache. And yes, I am tried. It has been a long day that just needs to end. And as upset as I am I do not need to stay up any longer. Because as we all know this will not change anything. He still sleeps soundless in the room next door and me wide awake, until the crack of dawn.

So, let me put it to you this way. It's bedtime and well like everyone else on the planet. I should be asleep in bed. Yes, I am in bed, but well... I think you know the rest.

Good Night All. Sweet Dreams and Don't Let the Bed Bugs Bite!

 If anyone who reads any of my blogs wishes to leave a comment, Please do so through my email: fairygurlLover@hotmail.com. I would love to hear all the reviews of my blogs all comments are appreciated. Thank you.

Being Heard - My Voice 7

It's only been a few days after just starting to write my last blog Being Heard - My Voice 6, and I have realized something more then ever before, I have realized that when something goes wrong in my personal life with friends, anything and everything bad goes down else where in my life.

I just ended a friendship and now, I think my job maybe on the line. I need to stop making my lives intertwine with one another. They are all separate and different, and that's how they should be all the time. So after last nights, problem customer, I'm am headed to work with my head high, and praying that I still have a job to being with, and that no longer will I stress when one friendship ends, I should be thankful instead for the strong people I have; who have made me strong, My parents and family and friends and now more then anything Jason and his family. So what's one friend got me feeling so rotten and out of place, when I have a lifetime of friends and family to keep holding me up.

I know who I am and I am not Rotten, I'm just pure of heart. And care too much. It's time to move on from the negative in my life and push through to the positive. The life I want isn't easy, I know that, I've been through 27 years already and even though there are bumps and turns in my road, I just need to remind myself that, God has His reasons, He has his ways, as I ask myself Why? I remember this, it was because of God that I got this Job! Because of Him I have these friends and my family to look to, He won't stir me away from them! Only the ones he knows will stop me, from following the path he has made for me.

I say to all of you, today that no matter what bump or turn comes my way that I will hold my head high; and keep going on the path that was made for me by God! He has made you all a path, too! It will lead to greatness. Things happen for a reason, and that reason is God and trust me he knows what he is doing!

Thank you all for listening! And thank you God for my path!

If anyone who reads any of my blogs wishes to leave a comment, Please do so through my email: fairygurlLover@hotmail.com. I would love to hear all the reviews of my blogs all comments are appreciated. Thank you.



Being Heard - My Voice 6

In the past few months I've dealt with and handled with care every situation that has come my way whether good or bad, but most recently it has come to my attention that there are only few friends that are willing to go the extra mile to make a friendship with me actually last years and years, then there's the friend who will talk to you no doubt, but the entire time lies to your face, tells who he didn't block you, "he got rid of his Facebook completely" and you find out from another friend that his Facebook is still up and running, because he recently posted a rant status on it about Comic books. DC verse Marvel, B.S; but nonetheless he told you; he got rid of Facebook.

I'm so tired of all the lying! This same friend has done this same thing multiple times, he will apologize, I accept the apology and it happens within a week to a months time. So, the last time this happened where he lied to me I stopped talking to him completely for a about 3 months then we talked and sorted everything out. Now, we are back to square one, he lied and I'm done. I do not want to have nothing to do with lairs anymore, who can not be a friend to me if you are going to lie to my face and even more so he lied to Jason's face.

From now on, I'm done, I'm done listening to liars; I'm done having fake friendships, I'm just done. I stopped my last friendship because the girl told me that I UNDERESTIMATED her baby's father, now this and I just don't want to deal with it and those type of people; who suck the life out of you.

I get wrapped up with people like them, Why? I don't know. All I know, is by the end of usually one year of a friendship that has taken a toll both physically and mentally, I am how you say fed up with them, and completely block them from me and everyone else in my life, so I no longer have any association with them. I also pride myself in being so strong willed, putting on a good face for so long, but I also do pride myself in knowing when both my mind and body have had enough. And, ultimately end whatever little bit of friendship I have with said people.

If anyone who reads any of my blogs wishes to leave a comment, Please do so through my email: fairygurlLover@hotmail.com. I would love to hear all the reviews of my blogs all comments are appreciated. Thank you.

So, even though I said I was in fact done with this friend, I wanted to be a good friend and give him the benefit and so, I went to talk to him and at first he said nothing to me, then I responded to his silence with I texted you and expected a response and got nothing, I wanted you to be able to defend yourself and he says to me, you accused me and that he doesn't want to talk. So, I said okay and walked away.

I don't accuse, haven't yet in my life. I gave you the truth and you rolled over, I know calling someone a liar, is big; huge even, but I know that I'm not a liar, sure I've lied to my parents; back when I was a teenager, but what teenager hasn't.

For me, I'm moving on! I'm not letting no one hold me back!

It has been just about a month or so since I started writing this blog, and now.

So, today I found out that this guy at work I called a liar, put his 2 weeks in. And like all loyal friends, even when there is problems in the friendship. Loyal friends will always stick by, well even though I called him a liar. I still wanted him to leave this job, with no hard feelings towards me. So, I talked to him, I apologized and he too apologized, we got back on track for about 2 and a 1/2 hours and I even tired to get us to hang out like old times, after his 2 weeks were up at first he seemed all for it; but at the very end of the night; he told me, He didn't think it was a good idea for us to hang out, I asked Why? He responded, Cause! I ask Why?, again. He says Cause!, again. I finally stop asking him why after my third try and instead responded with my own answer that is also a question for him. Because you don't want to! He responds with, Yes! I said, Okay, but inside I was like why couldn't you just say that. 

The ride home tonight, was utter pain as I just realized, more and more with each passing minute of the drive, that the friendship I once had was completely over, as my friend could not once again; just come right out and say what he wanted to say. People all around me that have come in and out of my life feel that they always have to tiptoe around my feelings, because I'm sensitive. 

What these many people don't realize is if they just came out and told me, Hey you know what Erica, I just don't want to hang out with you! Even though, that phrase seems rude, it still hurts me less then me having to pull answers out of them like an orthodontist pulls teeth. Seriously, I'm always telling people how honest and up front I am, and trust me I am. If I do not like someone for what ever reason, you can be sure that they will know it. Because I will not hide how I feel from anyone.

I was hurt because once again, someone tiptoed around me, like I was glass or something. I may seem delicate outside, and I was delicate both inside and out years ago in school when everyone made fun of me or bullied me for what ever stupid reason. Or because the bullies just felt like doing and saying mean things, but anyways. 

I may look delicate on the outside, but inside I'm a rock, I'm a strong, independent and proud to be who I am! I don't want anyone to bring me down.

I don't want to say these next words, but I think it's time... I think it's time to once again say Good-Bye to another friendship, that ends on rather iffy circumstances.

So, to finally end my night with high hopes for a better tomorrow and future for my friend and myself, Good Luck and Good-Bye!

Good Night all! And have a blessed day tomorrow!

Being Heard - My Voice 5

It's been a few months since I started to write my last post, but since my last message, I have not only a new perspective on my life, but decided to be as open and honest with the people who have chosen to do wrong to me as much as possible.

Starting a few weeks before my birthday, when a friend of mine was saying fat jokes towards me and literally called me a whale. It took me until my birthday to finally say something about it. And in the end she apologized to me and we are okay, right now.

I mainly wanted to have you understand that anyone can say things that hurt, its the person receiving the hurtful things said, that should look at it as a chance to open the other person's eyes to the perspective of another ones eyes.

Like my friend, when she called me fat and a whale. What she failed to see was that years ago before she lost some weight, she was once bigger then I, and just like what she called me, was teased by people in school and everywhere else. And she cried and didn't like it either! So, I told her, Not too long ago, Remember you were my size + more; for years! And you were teased and picked on by how many? And it took you how long to lose it? Not to mention the fact that the only reason you lost it, was because your parents had surgery and were forced to eat less and buy less, which in turn forced you to not eat a lot? Which made you lose weight?

Fact, is she did apologize and we are all good, now. The one thing that to this day people do not realize is that, yes someone can say all those nasty things about you and to you, but it takes someone you is confident and strong willed to over come someone like my friend, it takes a person with a confident perspective of their own life to say to this person, you are wrong. I am not fat, I just have a lot layers and a lot layers to love, I am proud of my body always have been and it takes a lot for me, to become broken especially from my own friend, but thing is I wasn't broken and she didn't break me. She just gave me a new perspective of my life, with that said yeah, I'm big, but that just means I have a lot more then others do to love, but it is not what's on the outside that matters, but in fact what is on the inside that matters more.

I have always had this same perspective of my life, so I guess its not really new. It just came forward when the time came. And now, it never wants to leave, I guess that is a good thing.

The week of my birthday I spent most of my time spending it rediscovering who I was on the inside and to my luck, I found something to help me better understand who I am.

 So I liked it and shared it with my own personal commit. On my birthday, I decide to respectfully explain myself some more.

Here is the post...

A few days ago I posted this picture with a personalized caption... Now with today being my birthday... I have chosen to represent myself more then ever.
Today, I am 27 years old I weigh 243 lbs. I am 5 feet 5 inches.
I am proud of my body. I have struggled all my life and still do to this day with weight issues, but the way I look at my life is simply put as this... I am STILL BREATHING and I am STILL ABLE to WALK.
...

As long as I am able to do those 2 things everyday and still see the light of day, my life is blissful. My friends and family all know what I've struggled with and I am stronger then ever!
My friends can say fat jokes towards me all the time, you might see my tears on the outside, but on the inside those are tears of a strong independent woman, who doesn't see her life as pathetic and depressing as you see it yourself. I'm strong, I'm independent, I am a plus-size woman who is not afraid of her own skin.
Be proud of who you are on the inside and the outside for yourself, not because someone told you to. Or wants you to change!

At the very end I posted this...

 Me in all my glory.

I'm proud of who I am and are proud of my own skin; so much that I have even added ink, I love me inside and out. Be proud of who you are! I am!

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Being Heard - My Voice 4

It's been months since I last spoke the truth, since I last had the chance to speak about anything.


I've done it before where I sit around after work and ponder my thoughts for a moment or two. It's strange to know that I have found a love in writing, I write because even though I do know I have fans who have read my blogs, I unfortunately do not or are not able to receive any of the comments you have written, if there is any of course, moving on though, it's time I wrote to you about being heard a 4th time. So, Here it GOES.


It's time I let my heart and soul be set free, it's been years since I've been able to breathe, sit back and look back on my life and realize; I haven't been able to really look at how I did things back, look at the chooses I have made, the friends I stood by for and in return find out they couldn't careless about me. I'm sitting up tonight, not because I have, but because I want to; I have something on my chest and I'm worried that no matter how many people I tell it still won't be enough to get it off.


I had a friend she was a friend I cared deeply about she is in an abusive relationship, I and my fiancé did everything for the girl. This friend well she has a baby boy who is almost 2 years old, he was my nephew and we loved him so much, and her too, even though she wasn't related to either one of us, she was like a sister to me, she even aloud us to call her son our nephew, but getting back on track.


Just months ago we 4 hung out all day. And it was amazing! Until that night when my fiancé wanted to message our friend saying he missed her as a friend, only one problem; my fiancé didn't except her child's father to get all choked up about it, and then telling my fiancé he has no choose, but to apologize for what he said. So, a couple days go by Jason was messaging our friend again and she had told him she had work until 5pm the next day, well the very next day about 12pm, Jason receives a message from her, Can you give me a ride? He thought she needed it now so we left the house to go get her, and he also thought she had worked something out at work, to the point where we could bring her where she needed to go, we get to her house finally; knock on the door and her child's father is there and our friend we later found out has his car and his at work.


So right there; there was a complete misunderstanding between Jason and our friend, so her child's father, opens the door and first words open his mouth are... WTF y'all doin here? We are here because blank needed us? She has the car he shouts! Then looks towards Jason and says WTF you doin messaging my baby mom you miss her? Jason says to him look I'm sorry! He responds with You had no choose, but to apologize, and don't ever do it again. Next, I say to him are you serious right now, he just said he was sorry, and you're gonna be like that, he screams and do you know what he has been messaging my baby moms, so he continues to raise his voice, then at some point when I haven't raised my voice once; turns to me and swears at me, don't you dare raise your voice around my son ever. I was like Okay!


Next moment I know Jason and I are heading back to the car because it clearly was going no where, and he screams at my back calls me a FAT WHITE B*tch. And then screams at both of us that if he ever sees me again he will put his d*ck in my mouth and spite in Jason's face.


So, now knowing that he clearly was never going to apologize for any of it, we left and never went back over, there we're two times after that situation that she messaged us to come help her or take her and her son somewhere, but we never ended up doing it. Eventually, she would get tried of us trying to figure out, what time was good for us, when she would change her mind every other message not knowing if she wanted to go or not, we are ready to go and she tells us never mind. Okay, right!


Suddenly, I am waking up just 3 days ago like I normally do when I have work at 5pm until closing. I shower, get dressed and then sit on our bed for a while flick through Facebook; seeing what's new with friends. And suddenly I see a message from our friend, and it basically says that Jason and I under estimate that the father of her son will not apologize and that he has tried to apologize and neither one us cared to listen, also that he has no problem with confrontation, that people are no longer aloud to be around her son if they can not have a civil conversation with the child's father. She also mentioned she wanted consistency in her son's life so that his heart won't get hurt. Also she mentioned that her mom took the route to disrespect the father and that is why she hasn't seen her grandson since he was born. Oh, she also mentioned at the very beginning of the message that she does however appreciate everything we have done for her and her son.


So, I took the rest of the day to go over everything in her message and basically rethink my whole perspective on things. So, after work I came home and watched tv and at 1am, it was time I sat up in bed and wrote on lined paper an eleven page letter, the next day I typed it up in Microsoft it was actually six pages, next moment I knew I was copying and pasting it in messages for her to read, and let's put it this way, told her straight up I was done. I went on and on naming off everything I knew was the truth of happen had been going on the entire years we we're friends and towards then end I knew my mind was made up, and I said this one final message; So to end this for good, and to give you what is needed in your son's life for always; the consistency you want for him; you made your choice and now we have made Ours. I do not apologize for anything as does Jason, because we both said and did nothing wrong, but Our final words to you and your son are... Good-Bye!


Let me just tell you this that was literally the very end of my six page letter to her, but I literally turned everything negative she said that we did wrong into the truth and what her and her child's father do wrong and I hit the nail on the head for sure, because just about a day ago I noticed she saw which usually means the person read it. And never got a single response until very late last night when I went to check her profile to see if she had said anything nasty about me and Jason in a post or something, nothing except we were blocked by her, only thing is we had already unfriended her not blocked when I realized she blocked us.


 I blocked her in return so if ever there was a chance something would happen between her and the father again, I wouldn't be bothered by her and unfortunately Jason has not, but he has a wise plan for if ever she does try to contact us again and ask for a favor, He will simply message her back saying only one thing; YOU HAD THE AUDACITY TO MESSAGE ERICA THAT, AND NOW YOU WANT MY HELP OR A RIDE, FORGET IT!


Although, she had been a problem of mine pretty much last week, and I finally let out my final cries on the matter just this past Monday. And now I'm just so glad she is out of my hair and I can move on with my life, but their is still only one thing; one person that holds my heart... HER SON! I fear everyday now that we aren't around, I truly couldn't careless what happens to her and her abusive relationship, but that boy growing up in a world of parents who swear and hit each other and around a father that mistreats women all the time. And leaves and comes back and leaves again. This is what my friend wants in her son's life.


God Bless that Boy. I hope he becomes the angel I know he is, because he truly was an amazing sweet, lovable little man, and I truly pray now that his parents don't corrupt him with terrible ways of treating and respecting people of all ages, gender and race. Because it would be so awful if he turned out just like his dad.


Please Lord, I beg of you give this boy a better chance and a better look on life. I adore all kids of all ages, and no matter what I do believe kids deserve better, they shouldn't have to sit around and watch as daddy beats mommy, and daddy screaming at mommy and pushing her up and down things like stairs or against walls, and kicking her. And worse. No child should ever have to witness that. I'm not saying I witnessed this happening to my ex friend, but I have heard plenty of stories from her, and every time after about 2 months go by she takes him back.


Well, she says my son needs to know who his father is, no matter how many stinking times I told her the father is not good for her and her son, she took him back into her and her son's life. I have tried to keep my anxiety from over doing itself, but when I received that message from her, as she blamed me and Jason for everything, and defended her son's father with every word she had typed, enough was enough and she gave her two sense and well I took my chances literally three chances and I was out, I was done. I literally wrote a brief message at the top starting myself off, and then as I described everything the father did wrong and her defending him crap, I counted 3...2...1... and above


I already told you, our final words to her.  With each number I took the truth and spread it out for her, with out adding anything fake or untrue I told her, We had enough, with the drama and negativity and the complete b.s. she had messaged me. So, I was finished, I finally realized she was wrong and I told her she was, only I gave her no chance to try and write me back, because I let out everything. And did not hesitate to keep going at her. I found her weakness and I showed her my strength. So, until next time, I respond the same way I did my ex-friend... Good-Bye!

If anyone who reads any of my blogs wishes to leave a comment, Please do so through my email: fairygurlLover@hotmail.com. I would love to hear all the reviews of my blogs all comments are appreciated. Thank you.

Being Heard - My Voice 3

You've all heard it, one too many times from me before, it's just how does one live a life, where another person tells her; How to live it?


I've said this to many times before to the point of which this stems, is there really a right or wrong way of living, I mean how I see it is; as straight forward as it can get, live happily with no one to ask you questions or to bother telling you otherwise, live how you would do things, and do not trap a thought of how some others do these things, live vicariously as you would, just simply being you, don't tell some one how they should live their life, and don't expect them to tell you how your life should be lived.


You have friends; you have family; you have personal lives; you have work lives, but why must one life intertwine with another, is that how we all must go about our lives, switching from one to the next, hoping that not more then one life is seen at once, praying that as you work hard to keep your life on a positive uplifting manner that not all lives, come to a screeching halt, and you this one lone person is the only one to fend for herself or himself and while others hang around they sit and stare, and some well they push and prod at you to embarrass and humiliate yourself until, you scream out STOP, STOP THAT'S ENOUGH.


 Like, in one single breath you hold on for dear life, and as you know that with opening your mouth, you let out not only the air you have been holding onto, but the sanity that still says it's okay, it will stop and you will be fine, just hold on dear one, you can hold your breath, you've done it for so long now, just hold it.


I've held that breath of mine for so long now, is it really worth holding anymore, is there anyone out there?, can you hear me?, anyone?, Please, anyone... I'm here and I'm alone, I need to know that I'm being heard, Please I've heard enough, That's enough, STOP. 


Stop, like telling someone stop has worked before, more like leaving and never returning, is that what it takes, to know it will be over, that some person, will be gone from that life, leaving... You leaving taking on what others have in store for a person like you, leaving behind the lives that once were something and creating something so bold so new, that only you know how this will pan out, that saying bon voyage, to your old life or lives would be well worth the wise words of someone so desperate to leave, that they would conjure up something meaningful like bon voyage, like shedding light in a dimly lite room when first entering a strange or unfamilar place, like being cautious for the first time when you meet new people, you don't want to be too outgoing rather you don't want to be to shy, either.


Keep in mind, that not everyone is out to get you the first second you meet them, it takes time and commitment to make anything become something new, whether it be with new friends, or a new job or even just simply a new way of being you, it's always like forever, but in reality it's totally worth it.

If anyone who reads any of my blogs wishes to leave a comment, Please do so through my email: fairygurlLover@hotmail.com. I would love to hear all the reviews of my blogs all comments are appreciated. Thank you.

Being Heard - My Voice 2

When I last recalled how I pictured myself, I never once thought to myself how seemingly bad or wrong I was in life. It might just be me and my thoughts, but most recently it seemed as if, even a simple opinion of mine was wrong.

Without give away names, or to much detail I would like to explain. Like, I have done before.

Here, I am sitting down to lunch with a friend and someone special. My friend wasn't hungry so they didn't get anything, but my special someone and I were so we ordered, not two minutes after I sat down and started to eat, my friend who was sitting at another table close by, was asked respectful to move to a different table/seat. As the table they were at was a table that a disabled elderly lady liked sit at when then came in at the same time everyday, my friend respectful said of course no problem, which it was no problem at all.

And we continued to eat and then proceeded to leave the restaurant, but after we three leave, I proceeded to ask what happened or why? Which lead to an arguement I wasn't expecting at all; all I was doing was asking a question and responding by stating an opinion about the situation, which is in turn why I am upset and writing. Anyways, my friend told me what was said, and that it was respectful, which in turn lead me to say that it would also have been respectful for them to have sat somewhere else when you were already sitting down. My friend then proceeded to yell at me and throw down my throat that it was the respectful thing to do, And that if they were disabled, they would have liked to be treated the same way, I am not or was not saying that it wasn't respectful what they did at all and I will go on to say that if it had been me and not my friend I would have gladly given up my seat or table to someone respectful asking to sit there, my issue is that my friend did not hear me out all that mattered was their opinion not mine, I proceeded to try and say to my friend again that although everything was said and done respectfully fact of the matter is they could have respectfully sat somewhere else temporarily until my friend either got up from the table or left.

The problem I have with people is the fact that my opinions although I always consider my opinions good. People on the other hand take anything I say whether opinion or not they take it literal and every time what I say is not good, most of the time even though people don't say it, I feel it's the way they say certain things, that has me saying, So, what your saying to me is this "I'M WRONG AND YOU'RE RIGHT." Is that it. I'm so tired of being told that I'm wrong or what I'm saying is bad, no matter what I say to my friend or how I say it to them, I'm Wrong, what I say is bad, and they're right, like any time I open my mouth, it's almost like they're telling me STOP, your words are wrong and I don't care what you say because all that matters is what I have to say, it's almost like everyday I waste my time trying to state opinions because in turn no one wants to hear what I have to say.

The thing is, whether my friend knows it or not I have a voice and it's beautiful and I love hearing what it has to say about things, and with this issue on hand I'll say something for sure, and tell my friend how I really feel. You're right in some ways that it was all respectful, but I am also right in stating that it would have also been respectful of the elderly disabled lady and her husband to have waited until we left the restaurant to sit at the exact table that you were currently occupying.

Personally, it bothers me when I am misunderstood and sometimes not even being heard. I have written before about not Being Heard, this time I write about being misunderstood. It hurts to try and determine what day is a good day to speak out and what day isn't.

If anyone who reads any of my blogs wishes to leave a comment, Please do so through my email: fairygurlLover@hotmail.com. I would love to hear all the reviews of my blogs all comments are appreciated. Thank you.

Some people, might say I am making way to big a deal about the restaurant thing, problem is if you hear me out, you'll understand that problem isn't what happened at the restaurant, but what happened after when we left, when my friend didn't let me have an opinion or at least even try and hear me out before raising their voice like I am some kind of child. I'm not, and so I expect the same respect everyone else gets when speaking out an opinion, like BEING HEARD AND UNDERSTOOD.

I realize that at least one person other than myself, probably has something similar and well I guess I want that person where ever they are to know they have a voice, too. It's just not everyone wants to hear it, but I will tell you this, whoever the other person is, whether someone accepts your opinion or not you have a right to yourself to let it be heard, maybe your friend won't listen to it, but I'm here.

And that's why I put this out here, you have a voice and right now my friend will read this and maybe they'll accept it, maybe they won't. All that matters to me is that I'm heard by someone if not the one person that should hear it.

I don't care about an issue that happened at a restaurant, that happened several hours ago, what matters is that my friend understands that not every opinion that comes from their mouth is okay to say, because your not always right and you're not perfect either so stop acting like you are, because I have, had just about enough of you telling me I'm wrong when I haven't done or said anything nearly as wrong or as bad as you have, so stop acting like you're always right and I am always wrong and that you're the victim every single time I open my mouth, I say the things I say because it's the truth and because I'm tired of holding onto the terrible lies that come with holding in the truth. So, there I'm not perfect and neither are you FRIEND. Keep up the way you treat me and someday we just might not be...

Being Heard - My Voice

You ever have a moment where you talk with one friend about another friend and your really nice to the friend your talking to, but you start agreeing with them on everything they say, when truth is you feel bad talking about this other friend when their not around to defend them self or tell their side of things, like when two of your best friends aren't talking to one another, but they talk to you about each other.

That's where I'm at right now, I forget a lot of times that I do also have a voice when my friends aren't talking to one another, mainly because I'm trying so hard to get what needs to be said out and heard by both people. I get myself so wrapped up in being involved and being a good friend by heart that I lose my voice. And in doing so I over do it, like when one tells you they just want to vent and you get so mad at the other that you end up sending this crazy, loud, over the top message because your passionate that your friend who is venting to you is really hurt by what has happened and since they don't have the courage to confront the other person, you have to. Okay, so maybe you don't have to, but it's the fact of you want to, you want it to be over with and you want things to better, and in return; to be heard. So, you write the most truthful and over exaggerated message that after you send it you know that there is no going back, but you send it anyway because your emotions are on unsatisfying discomfort from being stuck again in between two best friends when all you want in your regular day is peace.

I sit and wonder after sending the most awful message, and I say I hope the other person writes back at the same time begging them Please don't write back. Well, they do and it's unsettling to know that what you just wrote was taken so harshly and was blown way out of proportion and all you want to do is cry because that is in no way what you want to have come back at you. The fact is when things are typed or written and not spoken no matter who the person is on the other side receiving the message, the message may or may not be taken all to well, it's up to the person sending the message to try and make up for the miscommunication and find an even ground that both sides can work with together.

So, with all messaging aside for now. I hope that even though both friends tell me the other needs to talk, fact is it should never matter who has or hasn't talked, but who needs to talk, you both have something to say, so you both should be able to write your thoughts down and send them, like I have done. Doesn't matter if either one of you likes what the other had to say, it makes it so you both talked and not me, and you both got what needed to be said out. I love both of you dearly, but it is all up to you how you handle things from here, you both tell me day in and day out that your sorry for dragging me into this, but yet it continues and you two don't get no where, you apologize to me all the time when instead of wasting your time and voice and energy on apologies, you should be talking, messaging or what ever to each other, I love both of you and I'm never going to leave either one of your sides, but you two have gotten through much worse and I wasn't there, so what's stop you now? Honestly, you both make plenty of excuses to the point, where you both are so tired of making excuses on why you don't want to talk, that it's got to the point where you just don't care, or you just don't want to care.

I think you both know what needs to be done, but I will promise you both one thing, if you both have the courage to talk to me face to face about one another, than that means you don't need anymore courage to write it down or type it up and send it to each other. You both are honest and open to me when ever I do something wrong, and now it's my turn, you both have heard what I had to say, now it's your turn. It's time you both stop holding your frustration and anger and all other misunderstandings to yourselves and get them out their to one another. I could care less if this fixes the problem or not, I could care less if you two became friends or not, but if it gets you two to talk to each other instead of through me and gets you two on a common ground or simply a common understanding on what is going on in each others lives, then I'm fine with that more then anything.

If anyone who reads any of my blogs wishes to leave a comment, Please do so through my email: fairygurlLover@hotmail.com. I would love to hear all the reviews of my blogs all comments are appreciated. Thank you.